Worry and Control

I over worry.

I worry about things that I cannot control. I worry about things that have not happened yet.  I worry about  things that have happened that I cannot change.  I spend alot of my time worrying.  In fact I spend so much time worrying that other things suffer.

When I worry, I get stressed. When I get stressed, I freeze.  When I freeze, nothing gets done.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, like I am drowning, and I can't keep my head above water.

Why do I do this?  Why do I react like this?  Why can't I get a handle on this? Why do I worry about things that I can't control?

Why is control so important?  What am I scared of?

I am scared of struggling the way my mother did.  She was a single mother, raising two kids in private school. Money was always an issue.  Money is an issue right now.  I don't know what to do.  I guess money is like a security blanket, and when money is tight, I feel insecure. Unfortunitly, this carries over to every other area of my life.

The twisted part is, that the parts of my life that I SHOULD be control, like my weight and what I eat, I cant seem to get under control.  It's like all or nothing.  I get stressed and things snowball. Then I freeze. And every area of my life is effected.  It's 330am, and I can't sleep. I am sitting on the couch, watching Three's Company.  And the later I stay up, the more problems I DON'T solve. 

I have made myself very busy for the next few months. I have taken on a lot of projects.  I am excited about them, but am I doing this to "block" out my stress?  I dont know.

Someone today told me that I have to stop myself from thinking about things I can't control all the time. That I should set aside time each day to stress about issues and then move on. Sounds good, and if I could figure out how to turn off my brain, that may just work.

Another friend told me that her faith is what saved her.  I envy her.  I don't have that type of faith. I don't even know how to go about trying to find it.

 I have spent my whole life worried about money and feeling insecure, and I hate it. 

Getting Older

I do not believe that 36 is old.  And even though I will be 37 in a few weeks here, I still do not think I am old.  THEN WHY THE HELL DO I FEEL LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!   I woke up at 530 this morning for a meeting, and by 9pm - i was done, so tired.

I can remember, not too long ago, that I could work a shift, get an hour or two of sleep go back to work that night, and be able to function.  Now, the only thing I can do is fluff my pillow, and sometimes, I settle for a flat pillow. 

Now, I know that I don't take care of myself the way I should.  My eating habits are way off, my exercise is...well, lets just say lacking, but really - am I getting old?  How did this happen? 

According to my future - father -in -law,  once you hit 35 years old, it is all downhill from there.  Things start falling apart, you lose your stamina, and you feel older.  Of course after he says all this, he then asks me my age, and when I tell him 36, he says, "See, you know what I mean."  LOL.  So yes, my future FIL is a smart man, and maybe he is right, maybe I am getting old.  So... now what?

I can accept the fact that I need more sleep than I used to. I in fact like sleep, it is one of my favorite hobbies. So that is kind of a plus.  But what does this mean for the rest of me? 

I am a nurse, so I know the effect of aging on the body, and yada yada yada, That is not what I am talking about.  Do you thoughts change? do your priorites change? do your values change?  What other little surprises do you get hit with?

I really want to explore this topic further, however, my old age is creeping in and it is time for bed.  If any of my "older" friends, has anything to add, please do.  good night


Until Next time

Pets and People

The more people I meet, the more I like my cats.   An old saying, and yet somehow so true.  Pets are so important in our lives, they provide companionship, company, therapy, and the one thing no human in the world can - unconditional love. 

I started thinking about this topic when a co-worker and I were talking. The question came up, why is it so hard to lose a pet, sometimes harder than a person?  I started thinking about the answer, and I have come up with a few.

1)  most pets are just a shorter, furry member of the family.  They are as important to us as family.
2) Their life expectancy is alot shorter than humans, so their loss seems greater at such a "young" age.
3) Pets are very perceptive - to our moods, our needs, and how to soothe us.
4) Pets are better than the best shrink at knowing us.
5) Pets will listen to you, and never get tired of your complaining, and never answer back.
6) Pets are really cute - well at least mine are.
7) UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. No human, no matter how good, and no matter how hard they try can offer you that.

Growing up we always had cats and dogs as pets. Then when I went to college and the ten years after that when I was traveling, I didn't have any pets.  I didn't really think anything of it. Three years ago a very good friend suggested that I get a cat.  I was going through a rough period in my life and she thought a cat would help me.  I thought about it for a while, what did I need a pet for?  But then I decided something to come home to would be nice. So after a trip to the humane socitey, I left with two beautiful cats, Star and Mason.

Long story short, after two weeks I wondered how I ever lived for 10 years without pets.  And I will never be without them again.  Right now as I type this, sitting next to me on the couch is my cat Star - every once in a while she will look over at the screen.  She must approve of what I am writing, she hasn't tried to step on the keyboard and delete any of it yet!

Now I am not saying that pets are better than people all the time (most maybe, but not all).  And I am not saying that there aren't really good  people out there, I happen to be very lucky in that aspect.  I know a lot of good people. But all people have their baggage and issues and sometimes, nothing but a bark or a purr from your favorite pet will do.

Until next time

Welcome

Welcome to my blog!  I am new to this so bear with me.  I normally have a lot to say on a lot of different topics, and if you have noticed the title of this blog, this is what is going on in my head.  You have been warned!!!
Topics I may write about that are important to me; (this list is more for me, to keep me organized, but I will share it with you)

crafts, stress, grief, leadership, movies, music, books,  post gastric bypass surgery eating, wedding plans and observations on life.

Kind of a long list, but it will keep me busy.

thanks for stopping by and hope to "see"you again.